So a couple of things happened today. The first is that I was still working on my conference paper (which should have been in the mail today), and I realized that it was pretty shitty. The thesis is not entirely there. Also, I discovered that someone else had recently published an entire book on the very subject that I was discussing. According to several reviews, it looks like I have an identical thesis. And this is very bad.
The second thing is that I had submitted my essay for a competition. . . and lost. I didn't even receive an honorable mention, and I realized that I may have only been one of two competitors. This made me even more embarrased and sad. And no one even knew. I didn't have the guts to tell anyone. Well, till now.
In brief retrospect, I realize that these problems (and other problems like it) are all in my head. Sure my essay may suck, but that's what public forums are for. It's a matter of correction, not humiliation. I also may not suck as bad as I think I do. I'm probably just okay. And I also don't know that I'm the only person in the world who can't write. . . Maybe I am actually ok. . . not the best, not the worst. Well, it's difficult to say.
So I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm not going to trust my gut, since my gut constantly tries to undermine my intelligence and talent. I'm going to trust the guts of others and depend more on reliable peer and faculty reviews. Fuck negativity. I'm going to kick self-doubt's ass!
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