Dramatis Personae
Me
LFL (aka Library Fines Lady)
Kristiane (my friend)
Tricia (my other friend)
Act I: The Present
(Tricia is in the office. Emily enters)
Tricia: Whoa, Em. You look frustrated. What's wrong?
Me: Grr. . .
T: Is it the Library, again?
Me: Yes. Indeed it is.
T: It seems like you've been tackling this problem for a while. Did it finally get resolved?
Me: Yes. Today. Grr. . . Completely idiotic.
T: Start from the beginning. What happened?
Act II: September
(Library Fines Lady is in Room 170. Kristiane enters with many books and an eagerness to get things resolved)
LFL: Hi, how may I help you?
Kristiane: I would like to return these books my friend Emily checked out for me. I would also like to pay her fines.
LFL: Shame, shame, shame ON YOU! You can certainly return these books, but we're still going to make your life hell.
K: How so?
LFL: We won't allow you to pay her fines. In fact, we won't even tell you how much the fine is. Your friend will need to come in, with you perhaps? She will then need to pay the fine and have you pay her immediately after. That way we can waste your time and her time simultaneously.
K: How much is the fine?
LFL: I'm not telling.
K: Even though the book has been returned?
LFL: Lalalala. . . I can't hear you?
K: You do realize this is ridiculous?
LFL: Yup. Now get out. . . NEXT!
(Exuent Kristiane)
ACT III: October
(Library Fines Lady is still in Room 170. Emily comes in with a positive attitude and an eagerness to resolve this issue)
LFL: Hi, how may I help you?
Me: A few weeks ago, my friend returned some books she borrowed under my name. She also asked to pay the fines, but you refused. You said that I would have to pay.
LFL: And pay you shall. . . . muhahaha!
Me: What?
LFL: Oh nothing. . .
Me: Anyway, I would like to pay. How much is the fine?
LFL: The book was from a different library. They are the ones fining you. We can't tell you how much the fine is. But we will lift the hold on your library account if you write a check for the exact amount of the fine and provide a stamp and envelope.
Me: Well, I have my checkbook. Could I purchase a stamp and envelope from you?
LFL: No.
Me: But I can see a stack of stamps and envelopes on your desk over there. Couldn't I give you cash for those?
LFL: No.
Me: Ummm. . . What about the cost of the fine? How can I find this out?
LFL: You can call this number. It leads to a voicemail that no one answers. You can leave an unlimited number of voicemails and no one will respond.
Me: Uh. . .
LFL: Now, be gone! I have a lunch break!
(Exuent Emily)
Act IV: October, part II
(LFL is in Room 170. Emily enters, frustrated)
LFL: Hi, how may I help you?
Me: You gave me a phone number to call for my fine. I've called that number. I leave voicemail messages. No one calls back. I can't pay my fine unless I know the exact amount. Yet, I cannot know the exact amount. I am frustrated. I want to check out library books.
LFL: Muhahaha!
(Exuent Emily, pursued by a bear)
Act V: November
(LFL is in Room 170. Emily enters, exasperated)
LFL: Hi, how may I help you?
Me: Alright, you evil thing. You've won. You've bested me. You got that?? You've won. I'm going to write a check for $20 and assume that this is more than enough for this damn library fine.
LFL: Hold on. . . let me check to see if this is the sum you need to pay.
Me: What? You told me that you couldn't look up the amount!
LFL: I can't be bothered by your concerns.
Me: What?
LFL: Hmmm. . . According to our computer, you don't have a fine. I just need to click this button and your hold disappears.
Me: *makes whimpering noise*
LFL: Yup. There you go. I clicked on a button. You may now proceed with checking out books.
Me: You broke me.
LFL: Have a nice day!
(Exuent Emily)
Epilogue
Tricia: As you can see, the library's no friend.
Her struggle with the library woman
Left her with no options towards the end.
A matter of stress for any human.
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