It was a dark and stormy night. . .
Well, knowing how cheesy it is to wax melodramatically, I do have to say that I am both very tired and somewhat uneasy now that things in Madison are kicking into high gear. I've met some very pleasant, down-to-earth folks thus far, but I am also thinking about the fact that there are still doubts. Doubts as to whether getting a Ph.D. is a good idea. Doubts as to what I am actually doing here.
Let's face it. I'm not the best teacher. I think I am okay in the one-on-one setting -- everyone is -- but I also realized how selfish I was in the past to short change my former students. Unfortunately, graduate school forces you to choose between being a fantastic TA or being a stellar student. . . few people can concentrate and do both. I figured it had a lot to do with being overworked with 2 classes to teach and 3 seminars to take. I found out recently that this system is rather unheard of, even in such economically tight times as these.
After meeting people here, I realize that I share these doubts with many graduate students. . . However, we are constantly trained to hide these true feelings. Many other students, due to their own insecurities and doubts, begin to gnaw at you and ridicule you for "keepin' it real" or whatever. You have to pretend to be an absolute, self-righteous asshole or else people will socially punish you for it. And this arrogance, this egotism, is the reason why Academia has such a bad reputation in other contexts. The ivory tower was really constructed to protect our egos from criticism and expectation.
I can partly sympathize with the views within and without academia. It's not looking good either way.
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