It's been so long since I last blogged here.
I've finished taking my exams. And I am absolutely terrified of learning the results.
Graduate school is quite an odd set of circumstances. We are frequently compared to other students throughout our coursework, yet we really don' t quite know what the standards are for the comparison. What I mean is, that we never really know what other students are producing. The measuring stick is hidden, and few people are willing to share. This is both good and bad. Personally, I wouldn't want folks to know if I was doing well or not. But, at the same time, I don't have any way to judge my own performance.
Of course, I have an inkling of ideas that determine what a strong piece of writing is. But, I'm not sure how to improve other areas, especially in class participation and discussion. I don't know how to ask good questions. I don't know what makes a provocative argument.
This really is the point of my rant, and the paranoia of my prelim grade... What if my arguments were terrible? What if they are lame and not at the level the graders expect for a prelim? What am I going to do about that? Well, absolutely nothing... but I still have my fears, and they surface every once and a while to sheer panic.
I've been watching tv, cleaning, chatting with friends, and playing video games in order to get my mind off of being judged.
If I pass, fantastic. If I fail, I'm heading home. If I barely pass, I don't know what to do with myself.
That's another bit of my paranoia for you. "If I barely pass..." If those words come out of my advisor's mouth, how can I deal with working with this person for the next 2-3 years with a "barely" response. Does this imply that they don't want to work with me?
Graduate school has taken a serious toll on my personality and confidence. Before I entered my MA program, I was a confident adult. I was capable of managing a helpdesk. I knew many people and could socialize with ease. But now... I can barely speak with anyone without feeling like a total jackass. I still have several friends, but there are many of them that I don't trust. I have no sense of my own personal value. I have lost almost all my confidence. And I feel like I've regressed into a child because I have to always be cautious and aware of who is around me because everyone (students and profs alike) judges everyone.
Although I've enjoyed much of the material I've read, I really need to find a way to recover the person I once was. I seriously wanted to rock that prelim, but I came home hours later, days later, and have dwelled over my possible mistakes. Damnit, I'm quite sick of myself!
2 comments:
"I have no sense of my own personal value. I have lost almost all my confidence."
That is exactly what grad school did to me too! You all seemed so smart compared to me. I felt like such an impostor most of the time.
I also have lost all confidence in any writing skill that I imagined at one point that I had. It is messing with my ability to find a job that I am actually interested in right now. I may have to blog on Myspace about this.
Good luck on your tests- I'm sure you did fine. And you know, "barely pass" is still pass. You advisor can go fuck himself (herself) if he or she has a problem with you. You rock.
btw- Kirk, Jeremy, and Cathy= Catherine Zoerb from UNC. :)
Post a Comment